Friday, 6 January 2006

Seriously, the World Needs More Valets

If you know me in real life, then you know that lack of parking used to be my kryptonite. My dream job (right after professional book recommender) would be professional parking lot assigner. Nothing would please me more than being able to place name tags on parking spaces across the country. It doesn't make sense to me that one goes to the grocery store and one parks wherever one feels like parking. Assigned parking would solve a lot of the world's problems.

The fact that I can't park at work would have been like exposing Superman to gold kryptonite had I not found the antidote to my parking weakness: my employer has provided a satellite parking lot with plenty of parking spaces and a shuttle bus. Everyone who knows me in real life knows that my third dream job is shuttle bus driver (with an assistant who parks it at the end of my shift).

The subject of parking stress arose again in my household when Awesome Man's employer, Ass-Clowns-R-Us, decreed that nobody could park in the parking lot anymore. And then the city said that nobody could park on the street anymore. (Keep in mind that we live in a city that provides the world's worst public transportation. Buses run about once every five hours and only to places that you don't want to go. Trains run from downtown to the outlying suburbs, but unless you happen to live and work directly on that line, you are screwed.)

One of the things I love about AM is that he's willing to get worked up over parking. In fact, I'm going to IM him right now and ask him if the world should have assigned parking. I bet he'll say, "Hells yes!" Let's see. Hold on.

Damn it. He said, "Maybe." Well, under normal circumstances, he would agree on the parking issue. After further discussion, he did agree to assigned parking...based on an IQ test.

But back to the issue at hand. AM's employer, Ass-Clowns-R-Us, created a braintrust to solve this parking dilemma. Employees can't park in the lot because it's owned by another company and the lot isn't big enough for everyone. Hence, the other company gave Ass-Clowns-R-Us a set number of spaces, but not enough for all employees. How do you suppose the brain trust solved this problem?

That's right. Valets. They hired valets. When AM arrives at work, he is supposed to pull up to the front of the building and give his keys to the valets. The valets will also retrieve AM's car, but only if he leaves by four pm. And he never leaves by four. So he has to ask security to get his keys and then wander around the parking lot to see where the valet has placed his car.

Let me summarize this situation for you in case you are missing something: because there are too many cars for the number of parking spaces allotted to the company, they hired valets to park the cars. Go ahead. See if you can figure out the problem with this solution.

I guess the moral of the story is that the world needs more valets because they are problem-solvers. They are kryptonite fighters. Heroes, I say!

I think we should send them to the Middle East next.

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